Dear Reconcilers,

In this month’s letter, guest writer Willard High outlines a path to achieving reconciliation in our divided world.

Small Reconciliation Steps

We no longer live in a world where social friction and disagreement are buried under niceties or political correctness; often today, hostility is out in the open.  The current climate is viewed by some as an invitation to seek out conflict and bluntly tell others exactly what they think, regardless of the relational fallout.  In this environment, expecting broad sweeping acts of reconciliation may be setting ourselves up for disappointment.  Yet, for those who desire it, genuine reconciliation remains entirely achievable on a smaller, interpersonal level.

Reconciliation is an active reciprocal partnership; by definition, it is not a solo endeavor. Real healing through reconciliation requires mutual intent and effort—both sides must strive for it.  It also thrives on mutual accountability.  Just as every strong bridge requires an anchor on opposite shores, and bonded support in between, so it is with reconciliation.  Mutual respect is essential.  If genuine respect is absent, the parties are wasting their time. We must set, acknowledge and uphold our own and the other’s boundaries, if we are to live in peace, and boundaries must be established before making serious attempts to reconcile.

Because real healing typically takes place on a smaller interpersonal level, it would be wise of us to work toward restoration within established relationships first, using a few practical principles.

First, we must value communication over winning arguments or forced compliance. The goal is to move the individual relationship forward rather than forcing the other person to adopt our exact worldview. This will be a challenge since in the present climate, we tend to begin and end with our worldviews.  

Next, we should establish better ground rules replacing personal attacks, interruptions, and toxic language with honest patient communication.  It will be helpful to listen to the underlying needs of the other person, looking past awkward rhetoric if necessary.  People often speak aggressively when they feel unheard or threatened, so listening to understand their perspective—rather than formulating our response—can lessen tensions.  

From there, we must build some unity by focusing on shared history, experiences, or similar goals entirely outside of our current disagreement.

Small steps are the key to reconciling in our times since we will not instantly solve the deep-seated conflicts dividing our people and nation.  Genuine trust is rebuilt through low-stakes interactions which have potential to expand organically over time.

I invite you to choose reconciliation in our anxious world. This brings to mind the moving song, “Let There Be Peace on Earth.”  While we may not be able to bridge the divide overnight, we have the opportunity every day to cultivate safe, respectful spaces within our own relationship groups. By focusing on our immediate circles and remaining patient with the process, we can begin to build the peaceful environments that matter most to us.

—Willard High,Pastor Emeritus of The Shepherd’s Community Church in Harvey, Illinois